Jokes Thread !

Whatever non-Five stuff you fancy talking about.

Jokes Thread !

Postby MattB13 » Tue Aug 05, 2008 8:22 pm

Following on from the YouTube thread, I thought a jokes thread would be a good idea too !

I think we should probably try to keep them a bit clean and avoid anything in bad taste though !! :roll:

I'll start....



Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,



I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.

I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbors daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?



Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:



A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,



Walter
Matt

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Re: Jokes Thread !

Postby crofty_00 » Tue Aug 05, 2008 8:38 pm

MattB13 wrote:I think we should probably try to keep them a bit clean and avoid anything in bad taste though !! :roll:


bugger, that's most of my repertoir gone already then :lol:
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Postby DaveMc » Tue Aug 05, 2008 8:48 pm

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
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Postby Vic » Tue Aug 05, 2008 8:53 pm

An Elephant, Anteater, Giraffe and an Osterich were stood around together.....
When the Elephant said "Whats with the Long face Anteater,
tell me I am all ears".
The Anteater replyed "I am a bit concerned about Giraffe, he is allways
sticking his neck out for us"
The Osterich piped up and said "I am off".
The Giraffe then said "As usual, as soon as we have a small problem
you walk off and bury your head in the sand".
MeatLoaf is for Lunch Not for Listening to.......
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Oversteer is when you hit the wall with the back of the car.
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Postby AlanaTJ » Tue Aug 05, 2008 8:58 pm

Hmmm, how did I know you would be the one to start this thread Matt?
ok, i have some, but cringe-worthy at the very best....starting with.....

INFAMOUS ASDA MURDER

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a netorious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local ASDA where he surprised her in the fruit & vegetable department. There he proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands, but as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the fruit & vegetable department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper...


...the headline declared............


'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT ASDA!'

boom-boom, ting!
(told you it was a bad one...)
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Postby Claire » Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:05 pm

ok here some quick quirky ones...

Fred: My girlfriend loves nature.
Dave: That's very generous of her, considering what nature has done to her.


Boyfriend: Is that a new perfume I smell?
Girlfriend: It is, and you do!


My girlfriend phoned me and said.. "Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!


Yes they are bad ones i know :D !
I know...Its not an MX-5 just my shopping Kart. Radar has the MX5/Red toy :-)
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Postby AlanaTJ » Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:11 pm

Now you boys can't get all upset at sexist jokes, as I am sure there will be some offensive ones for us females appearing on here soon....

The Lonely Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.

'Hello?'She cried, but no answer.

'Is there anyone here?' She cried a little louder,

But still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared. So she yelled at the top of her voice;

'HELLO,

IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away....


'We're down here ...'
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Postby Claire » Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:15 pm

That sounds about right! :roll: :D
I know...Its not an MX-5 just my shopping Kart. Radar has the MX5/Red toy :-)
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Postby AlanaTJ » Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:23 pm

figured if I get all the anti man sexist jokes in first, the girls are at least in with a bit of a chance at redemption! and can then plead ignorance that we didn't know we weren't allowed to post sexist jokes..... 8)
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Postby NickD » Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:40 pm

To redress the balance


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Re: Jokes Thread !

Postby AlanaTJ » Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:48 pm

Nick,

To reiterate;

MattB13 wrote:I think we should probably try to keep them a bit clean and avoid anything in bad taste though !!



thank you.
:P
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Postby NickD » Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:49 pm

And which bit is unclean?

Is this the one about women having smaller feet so they can stand closer to the sink?
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Postby Claire » Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:52 pm

You should look at his other threads lately....hes getting worse.....
I know...Its not an MX-5 just my shopping Kart. Radar has the MX5/Red toy :-)
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Postby AlanaTJ » Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:52 pm

no witty come back :( I will go hide in my corner again now....
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Postby MattB13 » Tue Aug 05, 2008 10:15 pm

ClaireBear wrote:....hes getting worse.....


Its those green wheels - theyre turning him all rebelious !
Matt

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NO LONGER BROKEN!!!



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Postby AlanaTJ » Tue Aug 05, 2008 10:20 pm

MattB13 wrote:
ClaireBear wrote:....hes getting worse.....


Its those green wheels - theyre turning him all rebelious !


Nick, Fight the green, FIGHT IT!!! It will do you no good!!!!
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Postby NickD » Tue Aug 05, 2008 10:40 pm

WHich ones?
These ones
Image


or these ones?

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:lol:
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Postby MattB13 » Wed Aug 06, 2008 7:19 am

Oh dear God they're multiplying !! :shock:
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Postby Claire » Wed Aug 06, 2008 9:49 am

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear
pants don't you?


He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways
and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . .. . 'My husband follows
me everywhere' Written just below it . .. . ' I do not'


Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
M

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.


Q. What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.


Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.


Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.


Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A. A widow.


Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.


Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?

A. They're married.


Man says to God: 'God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?' God says: 'So you would love her.'
But God,' the man says, 'why did you make her so
dumb?' God says: 'So she would love you.'
I know...Its not an MX-5 just my shopping Kart. Radar has the MX5/Red toy :-)
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Postby NickD » Wed Aug 06, 2008 10:01 am

I have a few.

Image

The top ones are for sale with some rather worn R888's on for £50 if anyone is interested.

They are worn.
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